WAVERLY, VA—Saying the inmates had best listen up and listen good because he wasn’t about to repeat himself, Attorney General Jeff Sessions rattled his baton along a line of prison bars in Sussex 1 State Prison Wednesday as he gave a speech vowing to crack down on violent crime. “I am your new Attorney General, and it is my sworn duty to put an end to the savage lawlessness in this country, so here’s how it’s gonna be,” said Sessions, who slowly paced the walkway of Cell Block C, rhythmically slapping his truncheon into his open palm. “What’s been tried has failed, so from now on, we do it my way. We’re gonna have ourselves longer, harsher sentences, and make no mistake, I do not just mean for adults. You had all best get ready, ’cause you’re gonna have some company in those cells real soon, and they’ll be staying for a mighty, mighty long time.” At press time, an inmate who had interjected that overall violent crime rates were at historic lows was thrown into solitary confinement “from now until Judgment Day” for talking back.
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