Shirtless Mike Huckabee Spends Entire Debate Seated In Rickety Rocking Chair

Illustration for article titled Shirtless Mike Huckabee Spends Entire Debate Seated In Rickety Rocking Chair

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Reckoning it was dern near hotter on the stage than a $2 pistol, a shirtless Mike Huckabee reportedly spent the entire Republican primary debate Wednesday seated in a rickety rocking chair. “This economy’s been done ruined on account of President Obama getting too big for his britches and making a whole mess of new laws that feared away all them small business owners,” said Huckabee, pausing to take a drink from a ladle in a rusty copper bucket while wiping sweat from his brow with a rag pulled from the back pocket of his filthy blue jeans. “This country’s gone all out of kilter and I’m nearbout more ornery than a possum that got stuck in a barrel and rolled down a hill. Hear tell, a whole heap of y’all out there are a-fussin’ and frettin’ about what kind of future we’re fixin’ to leave to our young’uns.” At press time, sources confirmed Huckabee was picking at a splinter on the blackened underside of his foot.

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