Illustration for article titled Staffer Investigating Puddle Of Slime On Floor Looks Up To Discover Coworker Cocooned In Bannon Ooze

WASHINGTON—Strange, viscous fluid dribbling down from the shadows above him, Trump administration staffer Jason McCabe on Thursday reportedly looked up from a puddle of slime he had been investigating to discover a fellow aide cocooned in Steve Bannon’s ooze. According to sources, McCabe had been walking alone in a dark West Wing corridor when he noticed by the light of his flashlight that he had stepped in a gluey, greenish-white substance and followed the trickle upwards to where coworker Jonathan Meslow was affixed to the ceiling in thick clumps of the White House chief strategist’s mucous. Sources indicate that McCabe then uttered the phrase “Dear God” as he pointed his flashlight at the aide’s contorted face, then guided the beam further down Meslow’s body to a large cavity in his abdomen where Bannon had presumably gouged out his entrails. Retching from the ghastly sight and the putrid stench, McCabe reportedly turned to leave when his flashlight suddenly flickered and died, at which point scuttling sounds began to emerge from the darkness.


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