NASHVILLE, TN—Hastily shooing away the varmints with corn whisk brooms, members of the Tennessee State Election Commission reportedly drove a pack of wild animals out of local voting booths Tuesday in preparation for the upcoming midterm election. “Y’all critters ain’t welcome in this here polling place—go on, get!” said commission member Greg Duckett, using a garden hose to remove a thick accumulation of spiderwebs from an electronic voting machine that, according to reports, has also been home to a small family of raccoons since the 2016 general election. “I don’t know how we’re gonna get all these voting booths gussied up by Nov. 6. At this point, I’ve swept more squirrel nests out of ballot boxes than I can rightly count. I reckon we may just have to leave the rodents be and focus on rounding up the possums.” At press time, sources confirmed the commission had finished chasing out most of the wild animals and voted to begin shooing away minority voters.


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