Illustration for article titled Stephen Miller Desperately Searching For Next Fix After High Of Detained Children Starts Wearing Offem/em

WASHINGTON—Muttering that he needed something more potent to get him flying again, Stephen Miller was desperately searching for his next fix Tuesday after the high of detained children began wearing off. “You get a taste for immigrant children suffering and then you’re always chasing the dragon—now I need at least half a dozen articles about kids being abused by their captors just to get to normal,” said the president’s senior advisor, absentmindedly scratching his arm and pacing back and forth as he sought out photos of crying Mexican mothers, lice-covered infants, or anything else that could provide him with a moment of much-needed release. “The hundreds of families still separated kept me going for a while there, and of course those reports of children being forever changed when they reconnected with their parents were some really good shit. But it’s just not enough anymore. I’m totally jonesing for something big, like an ICE detention center catching fire and burning everyone alive—something that can really get me off.” At press time, a blissed-out Miller had reportedly worked up a pretty good buzz looking at videos of tortured Libyan refugees who were barred from entering the United States under President Trump’s travel ban. 


Share This Story

Get our newsletter