Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

Illustration for article titled Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

WASHINGTON—After learning that Ukraine police had opened an investigation into whether associates of the president had surveilled the diplomat in Kyiv last year, White House senior advisor Stephen Miller was reportedly upset Thursday at being passed over for a job stalking female U.S. ambassador Marie Yovanovitch. “When I found out that some of Giuliani’s goons had been tailing the ambassador around Ukraine, my heart just sank—I mean, how could they decide to follow a lady around and not pick me to do the job?” said Miller, who added that after all the thankless tasks he had performed for the Trump administration over three-plus years in office, he figured he would be at the top of the list when a plum gig like stalking a woman on the administration’s behalf came along. “If I had known there was an opening for shadowing an important lady, I would’ve absolutely thrown my hat in the ring. Maybe I got passed over because I’m already stalking a bunch of women here in the U.S., but I still would’ve been able to manage my time and make it work. It really hurts that they didn’t even bother to ask. It would be one thing if I didn’t have any experience in tracking women without them knowing, but I’m really good at it. I can keep quiet in an alleyway, or stay awake idling in the car, or huddle in a closet without a peep for hours. And I’m really good at gathering hair and undergarments. I just wish they’d given me a chance.” At press time, Miller had decided to cheer himself up by lying below the former ambassador’s bed wearing her clothing while she was asleep.

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