WASHINGTON—Revealing that the president’s chief strategist had been observed scuttling around the residence to gather materials, White House aide Alison Fordham confirmed Friday that Steve Bannon was mixing a discarded climate change report with his saliva to construct the final wall of his nest. “Over the last couple weeks, Bannon has been shredding environmental research papers with his teeth and combining the scraps with his own sputum to create a gray, viscous pulp that’s slathered on his mound in the corner of the Roosevelt Room,” said Fordham, who witnessed the assistant to the president grinding up a 200-page document on CO2 emissions in his mandibles, producing a tortured moan, and then violently retching for several minutes before spewing the partly digested, putrid substance on the floor. “It appears that the walls of Bannon’s nest were made from the hardened paste of several FBI dossiers on domestic terrorist groups and notes from several intelligence briefings, as well as a few pigeon skeletons.” At press time, White House officials confirmed that Bannon had completed his nest and was now showing signs that the eggs in his brood sac were ready for host injection.

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