STANFORD, CA—Saying representatives and senators alike must find time to usher their constituents out of their lonely, dark isolation with the guiding light of an elected official’s love, a study released Thursday by Stanford University revealed that 93 percent of Americans don’t truly know their congressperson, not utterly, not in the way only two souls entwined can be known to one another. “According to a comprehensive survey conducted in districts across the country, less than 10 percent of voters feel their bond with any of their congressional representatives has been tempered in passion’s forge, shaped and molded by forces so intense as to meld their souls into a singular, eternal being, transcendent and pure,” wrote head researcher Lawrence Fekmule in the study, which found that the vast majority of voters were unable to even guess at the deepest desires locked, smoldering liked baked coals, dormant in their legislators’ hearts, waiting only to be sparked into light and heat—ferocious, insistent, all-consuming heat—by a connection with their constituency so profound and absolute and, yes, so right, that everything else ceases to matter or even exist except for that true fire. “When going to the polls, it’s unlikely that voters will have made an effort to speak with their candidate—actually speak, you know, talking to them for hours on end, until it’s so late it’s early, and dinner has somehow become breakfast, and they should be tired, but really, staying up together is better than sleep, better than anything. Why go to bed, or really, why go anywhere when you can go to a town hall, look your congressperson in the eyes, and become lost as a rush of pure wonder draws you into a union that transcends space and time?” Fekmule added that, sadly, the encroaching influence of Washington’s special interests made it increasingly likely that American voters will forever wander in the cold desolation of their own inner night, forever searching in that dry, bitter darkness for a relationship with their congressperson that can never be.

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