Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia

WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual duties. "This could be my big break," said Dorchester, who since 2007 has studied every nuance of Scalia's diction and mannerisms, as well as his trademark textualist jurisprudence. "I just wanted to get out there, let my talents shine, and show that I, too, can be a constitutional originalist and claim strict adherence to the intent of those who framed our nation's founding document, thereby advancing a conservative agenda. Pretty sure I nailed it, too." Dorchester added that he hoped the rumors that there was a president in the audience were true.