‘Gambling, Drugs, Prostitution, Incest…It’s All Good Now,’ Says Majority Opinion

WASHINGTON—On the heels of this week’s decision lifting a federal ban on sports betting, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 7-2 ruling Wednesday that legalizes all worldly vices, with the justices decreeing that immoral behaviors such as gambling, drug use, prostitution, and incest are “all good now.” “It is the opinion of this court that the right to participate in various forms of debauchery, whether heroin injection, illicit sex, or cannibalism, should not be impeded by any law,” Justice Samuel Alito wrote for the majority, adding that if something is considered unethical or depraved, but you feel like doing it anyway, the court “doesn’t give a shit” and you should just do whatever you want. “The government has no legitimate constitutional basis upon which to police any wicked or immoral actions that serve to satisfy an individual’s basest desires or appetites. As far as we’re concerned, everyone can just have at it.” At press time, reports confirmed the court adjourned for a brief recess during which several of the justices personally tested the waters with necrophilia.

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