Ted Cruz Names This Fuckin’ Lady—Remember Her?—As VP Pick

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to regain momentum after a disappointing showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced at a rally Wednesday that his choice for vice president would be this fuckin’ lady—remember her? “I’ve prayed about this decision for a long time, and I wholeheartedly believe that she is the right person to fight for the future of our country,” said Cruz of that woman from before, you know, the one who got fired from the computer company for doing a shitty job and sucked so bad at running for president that she quit after just two primaries. “She has proven herself to be an impressive business leader and defender of American values. I have complete confidence in [this goddamn woman again] as my running mate.” At press time, sources were speculating that Donald Trump would likely soon select that huge fucking asshole who’s always hanging around him as his running mate.

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