WASHINGTON—After brutally launching the head of the special counsel investigation into Russian election interference through every marble pillar of the Jefferson Memorial, the nefarious shadow special counsel held Robert Mueller by the throat at the top of the Washington monument Wednesday and hissed that “Your investigation ends now.” “You’ve followed your little trail long enough, you paltry, pathetic patriot,” said dark Mueller, his viselike grip tightening on the neck of the attorney and former FBI director as he inexorably forced the special counsel’s face down toward the monument’s razor-sharp electrum-plated pyramidal tip. “Your time is up! The president will be exonerated! Any final questions?” Eyewitnesses fleeing the scene reported having no idea as to how the conflict ended, as their view was obstructed when Mueller countered the shadow counsel’s onslaught by launching both himself and his foul doppelganger off the top of the monument, causing them to plummet the full 554 feet to the bottom of the reflecting pool, which emptied itself thunderously as all its water leapt skyward in the cataclysmic shock wave.

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