The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates

Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates

Joe Biden

Birthplace: Middle Class, Swing State, USA

Electoral Strategy: Inertia

Greatest Liability: Prone to speaking publicly

Anticipated VP Pick: Stacey Abrams or the other one

Position On Iraq War: All of them

Campaign Bus: Desegregated during middle of 2008 run

Biggest Endorsement: “Hi, you’ve reached Barack’s voicemail”

Number Of Accusations Of Acting Inappropriately Toward Women And Girls: Butter pecan, with mint chocolate chip a very close second

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Illustration for article titled The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates

Bernie Sanders

Childhood Hero: Social Security

Political Career: Mayor of Burlington, VT; President of Sovereign State of Burlington; Supreme Leader of Independent Republic of Bernard

Best-Selling Album: Bernie Sanders Live At Budokan

Biggest Strength: Would virtually lock down Vermont for Democrats

Biggest Weakness: Radical views could make him bigger risk in general election than moderate winners Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and Al Gore

Guilty Pleasure: Ayn Rand

Greatest Liability: Keen awareness that at 78, he may only have five or six more shots at presidency

How He Plans To Pay For Medicare For All: With money

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Elizabeth Warren

Background: Republican on her father’s side

Gender: Really? Wow.

Ethnicity: Depends on the paperwork

Credentials: Completed Barack Obama’s online Presidential MasterClass

Greatest Liability: Thoughtful, meticulously researched policy positions

Legal History: Bravely helped corporations stand up to suffering coal miners

Previous Political Affiliation: Republican (1967-1996), Whig (1832-1967), Anti-Masonic (1828-1832)

Stance On Private Fundraisers: Unethical unless her campaign could benefit from it

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Michael Bloomberg

Birthplace: Bloomberg Memorial Hospital, Bloombergsville, MA

Source Of Wealth: Extremely opportune bet on 1985 Chicago Bears

Campaign Slogan: “Who Do I Make This Out To?”

Plan For National Debt: 19 years of daily wire transfers (just under $10,000 each) traced to an offshore personal checking account

Unique Selling Point: Can act as bridge between Forbes 1-10 and 11-20 richest people in world

Biggest Hurdle: Convincing voters he exists outside television set

Number Of Media Companies He Owns Definitely Maintaining Journalistic Rigor In Regard To His Campaign: 1

Reason For Running As Democrat: Republicans already had a guy

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Pete Buttigieg

Birthplace: Hardscrabble, down-on-its-luck section of Notre Dame campus

Favorite Childhood Memory: Smiling wryly and saying, “What a shame,” when Sarah Hagersmith’s elaborate volcano mysteriously malfunctioned and lost her the coveted sixth-grade science fair trophy

Military Experience: Seven months in Afghanistan serving in the Anecdote Corps For Future Presidential Candidates

Early Political Career: First gained prominence as youngest-ever resident of South Bend, IN

Connection To Hispanic Community: Intermediate per Duolingo

Military Nickname: The Butcher of Kabul

Interesting Personal Fact: None

Policy Positions: Listen, no candidate is perfect

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Andrew Yang

Birthplace: Blockchain Reddit forum

Political Party: Libertarian

Campaign Slogan: “Join The Group Of People Who Support Andrew Yang”

Greatest Obstacle To Nomination: America’s deep-seated hatred of math

Reason For Campaign: Clearly gunning for even single mention on CNN

Climate Change Plan: Leave halfway interesting Earth for the robots

Unexpected Success Over Multiple Establishment Candidates Proof That U.S. Voters Desperate For Massive Change To Status Quo: That doesn’t sound right

First Promise He’ll Break If Elected: $1,000 a month per person Freedom Dividend

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Tom Steyer

Name: Tom Steyer

Type Of Man: Business

How He Made Fortune: Fossil fuels but now he’s really sorry

Biggest Debate Moment: Having gall to attend

Preferred Weapon: Chain

Current Polling: Second among billionaires seeking Democratic nomination

Political Experience: Has had many of the same opinions as leading Democrats

Who He’d Vote For Besides Himself: Not a registered voter

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Amy Klobuchar

Home State: The Midwest

Personal Record For Making Campaign Intern Cry: 6.8 seconds

Hours Spent Studying For Each Debate Joke: 3

Primary Strategy: Hope Iowa’s population at least 30% cable news pundits

Biggest Strength: Hasn’t attracted enough attention to have major flaws uncovered

Experience Measured In Mayor Petes: 4.5

Favorite Animal: Ants burning under magnifying glass

Expected Time Of Campaign Suspension: Two to three weeks

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Tulsi Gabbard

Background: Became colonial subject of American empire on April 12, 1981

Primary Goal of 2020 Campaign: Defeat Hillary Clinton

View On Impeachment: Present

Favorite Alice In Chains Album: Jar Of Flies

Mentions Military Service: Every 3.32 minutes

Biggest Liability: Friendship with unspeakably violent authoritarian leader Narenda Modi

LGBTQ Views: Staunchly pro-political convenience

Can Name Even One Type Of Candy: No

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