The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates

Joe Biden

Birthplace: Middle Class, Swing State, USA

Electoral Strategy: Inertia

Greatest Liability: Prone to speaking publicly

Anticipated VP Pick: Stacey Abrams or the other one

Position On Iraq War: All of them

Campaign Bus: Desegregated during middle of 2008 run

Biggest Endorsement: “Hi, you’ve reached Barack’s voicemail”

Number Of Accusations Of Acting Inappropriately Toward Women And Girls: Butter pecan, with mint chocolate chip a very close second

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Bernie Sanders

Childhood Hero: Social Security

Political Career: Mayor of Burlington, VT; President of Sovereign State of Burlington; Supreme Leader of Independent Republic of Bernard

Best-Selling Album: Bernie Sanders Live At Budokan

Biggest Strength: Would virtually lock down Vermont for Democrats

Biggest Weakness: Radical views could make him bigger risk in general election than moderate winners Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and Al Gore

Guilty Pleasure: Ayn Rand

Greatest Liability: Keen awareness that at 78, he may only have five or six more shots at presidency

How He Plans To Pay For Medicare For All: With money

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Elizabeth Warren

Background: Republican on her father’s side

Gender: Really? Wow.

Ethnicity: Depends on the paperwork

Credentials: Completed Barack Obama’s online Presidential MasterClass

Greatest Liability: Thoughtful, meticulously researched policy positions

Legal History: Bravely helped corporations stand up to suffering coal miners

Previous Political Affiliation: Republican (1967-1996), Whig (1832-1967), Anti-Masonic (1828-1832)

Stance On Private Fundraisers: Unethical unless her campaign could benefit from it

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Michael Bloomberg

Birthplace: Bloomberg Memorial Hospital, Bloombergsville, MA

Source Of Wealth: Extremely opportune bet on 1985 Chicago Bears

Campaign Slogan: “Who Do I Make This Out To?”

Plan For National Debt: 19 years of daily wire transfers (just under $10,000 each) traced to an offshore personal checking account

Unique Selling Point: Can act as bridge between Forbes 1-10 and 11-20 richest people in world

Biggest Hurdle: Convincing voters he exists outside television set

Number Of Media Companies He Owns Definitely Maintaining Journalistic Rigor In Regard To His Campaign: 1

Reason For Running As Democrat: Republicans already had a guy

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Pete Buttigieg

Birthplace: Hardscrabble, down-on-its-luck section of Notre Dame campus

Favorite Childhood Memory: Smiling wryly and saying, “What a shame,” when Sarah Hagersmith’s elaborate volcano mysteriously malfunctioned and lost her the coveted sixth-grade science fair trophy

Military Experience: Seven months in Afghanistan serving in the Anecdote Corps For Future Presidential Candidates

Early Political Career: First gained prominence as youngest-ever resident of South Bend, IN

Connection To Hispanic Community: Intermediate per Duolingo

Military Nickname: The Butcher of Kabul

Interesting Personal Fact: None

Policy Positions: Listen, no candidate is perfect

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Andrew Yang

Birthplace: Blockchain Reddit forum

Political Party: Libertarian

Campaign Slogan: “Join The Group Of People Who Support Andrew Yang”

Greatest Obstacle To Nomination: America’s deep-seated hatred of math

Reason For Campaign: Clearly gunning for even single mention on CNN

Climate Change Plan: Leave halfway interesting Earth for the robots

Unexpected Success Over Multiple Establishment Candidates Proof That U.S. Voters Desperate For Massive Change To Status Quo: That doesn’t sound right

First Promise He’ll Break If Elected: $1,000 a month per person Freedom Dividend

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Tom Steyer

Name: Tom Steyer

Type Of Man: Business

How He Made Fortune: Fossil fuels but now he’s really sorry

Biggest Debate Moment: Having gall to attend

Preferred Weapon: Chain

Current Polling: Second among billionaires seeking Democratic nomination

Political Experience: Has had many of the same opinions as leading Democrats

Who He’d Vote For Besides Himself: Not a registered voter

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Amy Klobuchar

Home State: The Midwest

Personal Record For Making Campaign Intern Cry: 6.8 seconds

Hours Spent Studying For Each Debate Joke: 3

Primary Strategy: Hope Iowa’s population at least 30% cable news pundits

Biggest Strength: Hasn’t attracted enough attention to have major flaws uncovered

Experience Measured In Mayor Petes: 4.5

Favorite Animal: Ants burning under magnifying glass

Expected Time Of Campaign Suspension: Two to three weeks

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Tulsi Gabbard

Background: Became colonial subject of American empire on April 12, 1981

Primary Goal of 2020 Campaign: Defeat Hillary Clinton

View On Impeachment: Present

Favorite Alice In Chains Album: Jar Of Flies

Mentions Military Service: Every 3.32 minutes

Biggest Liability: Friendship with unspeakably violent authoritarian leader Narenda Modi

LGBTQ Views: Staunchly pro-political convenience

Can Name Even One Type Of Candy: No

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