As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

PRO

  • Would make people feel valued by their government in precise capitalist terms they can understand

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  • Privileged elite no longer the only ones with access to Pizza Hut Triple Treat Box
  • Whole basic human dignity thing
  • Opens up more opportunities to use the phrase “sucking at the government’s teat”
  • The look on some rich prick’s face hearing about this for the first time
  • More marks for your pyramid scheme

CON

  • System can be exploited by “welfare queens” who live lavishly on the spoils of their $500 monthly allotment

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  • Recipients might lose sight of the value of hard work, the most noble and treasured aspect of American life
  • Would take forever to sign all those checks
  • Encourages entrepreneurship among dumbasses who dream of opening a fucking cupcake truck or some other bullshit

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  • The long-term effects of bestowing lower class with a sense of dignity are currently unknown
  • Leveling the playing field would be detrimental to the vast minority of Americans