PHILADELPHIA—Describing the look of total disinterest on his face and noting how he kept peering down at his watch as the speech progressed, sources at the Democratic National Convention said that Virginia senator Tim Kaine clearly began tuning out partway through the boring vice presidential acceptance address Wednesday night. “You could see he was getting more and more restless and bored the longer the speech went on,” said convention attendee Abigail Wills, who mentioned how Kaine fidgeted in place, yawned repeatedly, and allowed his gaze to wander all over the arena throughout the lengthy and mundane remarks, at one point staring directly up at the ceiling for nearly a full minute as he stopped paying attention to what was being said. “You could see him rolling his eyes whenever there was another one of those clichéd, old talking points that had already been stated by every other speaker over the past few days. He even pulled out his phone during one of the particularly slow parts about the need to defend education funding from cuts. I don’t think he could have given less of a shit about what was happening onstage.” At press time, a droopy-eyed Kaine was jolted back to attention after hearing the crowd around him begin clapping, causing him to smile and breathe a sigh of relief that the unbearable address had finally come to an end.

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