Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle

Illustration for article titled Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle

The Iowa caucuses, where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election, became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction. The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle.

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Friday, July 5, 1776, 5:01 AM:

Iowa caucuses system implemented on first day of America.


Tuesday, Jan. 7, 2020, 8:27 PM:

Democratic National Committee’s plan to sabotage caucuses finalized.


Thursday, Jan. 30, 3:26 PM:

For-profit tech company Shadow assures DNC that election app cost millions of dollars.

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Sunday, Feb. 2, 8:01 AM:

Iowa precinct chairs downloading app unknowingly release all personal data to Shadow.

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Monday, Feb. 3, 6:30 PM:

Thousands of Iowans kiss families goodbye for last time before entering designated caucus locations.

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Monday, Feb. 3, 10:23 PM:

Border precincts yell into Nebraska to see if anyone there can help with app.


Monday, Feb. 3, 11:38 PM:

Denver resident Amy Stanton’s friends leave her to clean up mess after her caucus viewing party totally ruined by lack of results.

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Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:01 AM:

Pete Buttigieg begins assembling cabinet.


Tuesday, Feb. 4, 1:19 PM:

Media declares Iowa caucuses incredibly significant symbol of irrelevance.


Tuesday, Feb. 4, 4:13 PM:

DNC official Googles rules of rounding decimal numbers for 10,000th time of day.


Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:02 PM:

Joe Biden takes consolation in fact that Iowa’s embarrassment eclipses his.


Wednesday, Feb. 5, 10:09 AM:

Iowa Democratic Party announces plan to trickle out information about single vote every day for next 17,000 months.

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Wednesday, Feb. 5, 5:12 PM:

Marion, IA resident Terry Walker begins to lose faith in Bernie Sanders’ ability to accurately convey how little political establishment cares about voters.

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Thursday, Feb. 6, 11:20 AM:

Democratic Party officials scrambling to find someone less qualified to do Tom Perez’s job.

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Thursday, Feb. 6, 8:30 PM:

Election officials hail intractable first-place tie between Sanders and Buttigieg as victory for more voters than ever before.

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Friday, Feb. 7, 4:02 PM:

Fuck it, Tom Steyer declares victory too.

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