Tiny, Rejuvenated Jimmy Carter Emerges From Pile Of Ashes After Aged Ex-President Bursts Into Flames

ATLANTA—Rising triumphantly from a sudden swirl of golden light that had consumed his former ailing body, a tiny, rejuvenated President Jimmy Carter emerged from a pile of ashes Tuesday after the aged ex-president’s past incarnation burst into flames. “Behold! I am born anew!” the 6-inch-tall former president proclaimed in a high-pitched voice, raising his minuscule, youthful hands in exultation from the glowing embers as he announced that his appearance heralded “a new dawn” in affordable housing, peacekeeping, and guinea worm eradication. “From these restoring flames, I shall usher in an eternal age of peacekeeping and independence from foreign oil markets. So has it been for the past century-long cycle of Jimmy Carterdom, and so shall it be for all time.” At press time, the miniature 39th president’s decree had been cut short after an enormous rabbit abruptly emerged from a nearby forest and dragged the squealing reborn world leader into a burrow.

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