The Democratic Party will retake control of the House of Representatives after gaining a net total of 40 seats in the 2018 midterm elections. The Onion examines the items headlining the Democrats’ agenda as they lead the 116th U.S. Congress.
Green New Deal:
Being pushed by whiny millennial representatives who expect to just be handed a livable planet in the year 2060.
Plan to introduce a broadly popular Medicare for all bill to slowly water down into a series of giveaways to big pharma.
Still don’t like the guy!
Grandstanding To Go Viral On Social Media:
Members will be limited to one impassioned speech with viral video potential per month.
Committed to looking like they’re tackling political corruption.
Criticizing Nancy Pelosi:
Expected to be a top priority until approximately 10 years after Pelosi dies.
Following Senator Chuck Schumer’s lead in demanding that a border wall they regard as useless, unnecessary, and morally bankrupt receives no more than $1.6 billion in funding.
If there’s one thing they can agree with Republicans on, it’s that America’s crumbling bridges and roads are the perfect political bargaining chip.
Party leadership is already doggedly working to ensure that the wave of true progressives taking office in January never happens again.