The Democratic Party will retake control of the House of Representatives after gaining a net total of 40 seats in the 2018 midterm elections. The Onion examines the items headlining the Democrats’ agenda as they lead the 116th U.S. Congress.


Green New Deal:

Being pushed by whiny millennial representatives who expect to just be handed a livable planet in the year 2060.

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Healthcare:

Plan to introduce a broadly popular Medicare for all bill to slowly water down into a series of giveaways to big pharma.

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Trump:

Still don’t like the guy!


Grandstanding To Go Viral On Social Media:

Members will be limited to one impassioned speech with viral video potential per month.

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Corruption:

Committed to looking like they’re tackling political corruption.


Criticizing Nancy Pelosi:

Expected to be a top priority until approximately 10 years after Pelosi dies.


Immigration:

Following Senator Chuck Schumer’s lead in demanding that a border wall they regard as useless, unnecessary, and morally bankrupt receives no more than $1.6 billion in funding.

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Infrastructure:

If there’s one thing they can agree with Republicans on, it’s that America’s crumbling bridges and roads are the perfect political bargaining chip.

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Election Reform:

Party leadership is already doggedly working to ensure that the wave of true progressives taking office in January never happens again.

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