Illustration for article titled Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump’s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner triumphantly announced his new plan Thursday to move the Centers for Disease Control headquarters to Jerusalem. “The dire situation with the coronavirus demands bold solutions, and the time is now to move the CDC headquarters thousands of miles across the Atlantic,” said Kushner, gesturing to a map of the West Bank and indicating that a Palestinian neighborhood would need to be paved over to begin construction on the state-of-the-art facility. “While all operations will be delayed for a few months so we can get started, once everything is up and running, we’ll be able to address this pandemic from one of the world’s most historically significant cities. We’re taking the world’s best doctors, scientists, epidemiologists, and immunologists to an entirely different continent to solve this global crisis. Finally, we’ll be able to streamline collaboration between the CDC and the U.S. Israeli Embassy.” At press time, Kushner announced further plans to build strip clubs on Jerusalem’s holy sites for CDC employees who may be homesick for Atlanta.

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