WASHINGTON—Saying he was on top of the situation and the disease would not be spreading any further, President Donald Trump assured the nation Friday that he had called 911 to report the coronavirus pandemic and that help was on its way. “I just got off the phone with 911, they are aware of the situation, and we’ll soon have this thing taken care of,” the commander-in-chief said during a televised address on Covid-19, urging all 330 million Americans not to worry because emergency response personnel should be arriving to assist them any minute now. “I made sure to tell the operator this thing was important, and she agreed with me. So everyone should just relax and wait for them. They can send the fire department and the ambulance or both, and then they can probably give you a flu shot or something like that. It’s good. We’re in good shape.” At press time, White House sources confirmed the president had dialed 911 again to tell them that everything was actually fine and the nation didn’t need their help at all.
More from The Onion