WASHINGTON—Promising that the author would spend “100 kajillion years in jail,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. told reporters Tuesday that they had left a $5 bill and a Snickers bar under a propped-up laundry basket in order to trap the anonymous writer of the New York Times op-ed piece. “Everyone is super mad about this secret bad guy in the White House, but we put a whole candy bar and a bunch of real money in there, and we’re gonna catch the crook,” said Donald Trump Jr., who, along with his younger brother, was crouched behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office to monitor their trap and pull the rope once the “buttless [sic]” opinion-piece writer climbed under the plastic tub to grab the candy. “I’ve got a Super Soaker and Eric has a broom so we can arrest him once he gets stuck. We also dug a pretty deep hole in the backyard and covered it with a blanket and some pieces of grass on top. It has our Iron Man action figure and some Skittles and some of Dad’s Pop Secret [sic] work stuff on it to trick him to walk over and then fall down and never, ever get out unless we say so. Then, we’ll bring him to the police and prove you don’t mess with the Trumps.” At press time, Eric Trump was reportedly bawling after getting trapped under the laundry basket while trying to grab the Snickers bar.

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