WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of participating in the democratic process as envisioned by our nation’s founders George Washington and Santa Claus, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly proud Tuesday after mailing in hand-drawn Republican midterms ballots to the North Pole. “We couldn’t make it to the North Pole to talk to Santa in person this year, so we sent in centipede [sic] ballots so the elves and reindeer can count all the votes on them,” said Eric Trump of the ballots they wrote in crayon on construction paper, wadded up, and stuffed into envelopes addressed to “Santa’s Workshop” with hand-drawn “Fast Class” stamps affixed to the paper with chewing gum. “We voted for our dad, like, 50 times, and then we voted for all his friends so they get to win. And we made sure to be extra good these last couple weeks, because Santa is watching, and if you’re naughty he won’t count your votes. Just in case, we put milk and cookies in there for Santa, too.” At press time, the Trump boys were mailing armfuls of ballots by dropping the soggy, tape-covered envelopes into a White House recycling bin.

Advertisement