WASHINGTON—With each brother stretching a pair sheer tights over their arms before shimmying into evening gowns, the Trump boys reportedly raided their sister’s closet Tuesday for sexy clothes they could use to seduce and blackmail Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “We can use Ivanka’s fancy dress-up stuff to disguise ourselves as a pretty lady for Mueller and then use our feminine willies [sic] to trick him and drive him crazy!” said Donald Trump Jr., who hobbled around his sister’s bedroom in a pair of high heels as Eric Trump wrapped a bra over his eyes while pretending to be a giant insect. “He’s gonna think we’re so sexy, and once we get him to fall in love, then we can reveal ourselves and make him drop the charges against Dad or else we’ll tell everyone what happened. Watch out, Mueller. Donalina and Ericalina are coming for you!” At press time, the sobbing Trump boys were reportedly spotted racing through the halls of the White House pursued by Ivanka Trump waving a ripped $5,000 designer gown.

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