WASHINGTON—Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before making his way to the lectern, President Donald Trump reportedly calmed his nerves before his inaugural address Friday by reminding himself that he is the only person who actually exists. “Relax, Donald, you are the only person in the world; there is no one else but you, so there’s nothing at all to worry about,” said Trump, seeking to clear his mind of all distractions by silently repeating to himself that he is the sole being in the entire expanse of the universe and the only entity capable of perceiving or feeling. “Everything is going to go great. Just remember there is not another single soul anywhere. Nobody else has ever existed or will ever exist aside from you. You and you alone are alive and real. Okay, this will go great.” At press time, President Trump confidently stepped up to the microphone and delivered a spirited inaugural address to a completely captivated and proud self.

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