Trump Cancels White House Subscription To ‘Highlights’ Over Anti-Goofus Bias

WASHINGTON—Shutting down a regular monthly delivery that had been in place since the Truman administration, President Donald Trump canceled the White House’s subscription to Highlights magazine Tuesday over what he deemed to be rampant anti-Goofus bias. “Everyone’s getting on his case all the time—Goofus has been treated very, very unfairly,” said Trump, decrying the 60-year-old children’s magazine’s obvious pro-Gallant agenda while praising Goofus as a bright kid smart enough to look out for number one and who knew how to cut a deal. “‘Gross Gallant’ is no angel either! I hear he’s in bed with some pretty shady figures, I won’t say who. Too bad for Highlights, a once-great publication that has gone downhill in recent years. Unfair that they never publish your drawings when you submit them. Also, I looked at that scene of the kids playing, and the second picture? No differences! None at all! And I was in that terrible maze for hours. Not good. There was clearly no exit.” At press time, Trump had reversed his position and instructed an aide to renew the White House’s subscription after discovering Highlights gave him some positive press by mentioning him in a list of U.S. presidents.

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