WASHINGTON—Clarifying controversial remarks he made about the deceased Michigan lawmaker last night, Donald Trump told reporters Thursday he can confirm the late congressman John Dingell is in hell because of the window into a terrifying inferno the president sees every time he closes his eyes. “Each night, when I lie down in bed, I feel the heat of eternal flames and hear the screams of the damned,” said Trump, explaining that he has gazed into the hideous abyss and seen Satan himself feasting upon the maggot-infested corpse of the long-serving former representative. “John’s definitely down there along with all the other poor souls crying out to be released from ceaseless torment. He’s always whispering that the fate awaiting me will be far, far worse than his, beyond anything I could possibly comprehend. Why do you think I barely sleep?” Members of the White House press pool were then seen running from the briefing room as the blood drained from the president’s face, his eyes rolled back in his head, and, using an inhumanly deep, guttural voice, he began to mutter strange incantations in Latin.
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