Illustration for article titled Trump Claims Substantial Portions Of The U.S.-Mexico Laser Forcefield Have Already Been Builtem/em

WASHINGTON—In a stirring defense of his administration’s commitment toward border security, President Trump claimed Tuesday that substantial portions of the laser forcefield between the United States and Mexico had already been built. “I’m committed to the safety and security of this great nation, which is why we’ve wasted no time in having 70 miles of invisible, searing-hot laser beams that will keep illegal migrants and criminals out of the country,” said Trump to members of the press, boasting that top scientists had been employed to ensure that the forcefield’s miles of pure plasma could vaporize intruders before they even have a chance to set foot on U.S. soil. “With this impenetrable forcefield, my administration is making good on our promise to keep drugs and rapists out of this country—the moment they even try to come into our country illegally, they’ll be zapped into oblivion. In addition to the forcefield, we’ve also completed a system of floating bubbles with the ability to track down and eliminate any illegal immigrants who had previously made their way across the border.” Trump, who warned agile bad guys could shimmy under the force field, called for more funding to ensure that anyone who crossed the border was completely deatomized.

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