Illustration for article titled Trump Furiously Searching Raytheon Catalog For Gift After Realizing He Promised China And Ukraine Same Javelin Missile

WASHINGTON—Scanning for discounts in the precision weapon and early warning satellite sections, a visibly distressed President Trump reportedly flipped through the Raytheon catalog in a panic Friday after realizing he had accidentally promised China and Ukraine the same FGM-148 Javelin missile. “Shit, shit, shit—when I offered that rocket launcher to Xi [Jinping] I totally forgot I’d already told [Volodymyr] Zelensky he could have it,” said Trump, who was overheard muttering to himself that he could just tell the Chinese president the Javelins were out of stock, but then Xi would be upset once he found out the Ukrainians had managed to get one. “Maybe I’ll get China a Patriot, instead? No, that’s too much. I don’t want to seem desperate. And the Sparrow is so passé at this point, they wouldn’t even want that. Damn it, I need to get something for Australia, too, don’t I?” At press time, sources confirmed Trump had given up and decided to send all the countries willing to assist in his reelection campaign a $400 million Raytheon gift card so they could just pick out what they wanted.


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