WASHINGTON—In a special White House ceremony Friday celebrating the ‘much-overlooked’ citizens for their contributions, President Trump honored the brave heroes who slept with the wives of deployed soldiers. “Despite the considerable risks these men faced, they did not hesitate to rush into the bedroom and lay down our troops’ wives during the country’s greatest hour of need,” said Trump as he placed the Presidential Medal of Freedom around the necks of the many horny men who courageously patrolled bars, streets, and workplaces to service the vulnerable and lonely spouses of the nation’s enlisted men in every war from Vietnam to the recent conflicts in the Middle East. “Many of these men left their own families behind to heed the late-night phone calls of married women they were seducing without regard to the sometimes dangerous consequences. They have touched countless with their licentious heroics, and, in many ways, inspired me to become the man I am today. For that, we salute you.” Trump ended the ceremony by delivering a stern rebuke to all the blatant hussies who cheated on their husbands while they were off fighting for this great country.
More from The Onion