‘Please Let Me In,’ Whimpers President

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to classified information and restricted areas,” said Trump, who was forbidden from entering the premises after unwittingly writing his name on the list of individuals having their clearances revoked, thinking it was where he was supposed to place his signature. “Please, I’m sorry! I really wanna come back inside. It was an honest mistake. Oh, no, it’s starting to rain.” At press time, Trump pressed his face up and tapped on the window of the Oval Office, prompting John Kelly to pull down the blinds.