WASHINGTON—As his administration makes plans to combat the economic damage caused by the coronavirus with direct payments to Americans, President Donald Trump reportedly conferred with aides behind closed doors Wednesday to confirm he would be among those citizens receiving a pair of $1,000 checks. “Hey, I’m also getting in on this deal, right?” Trump reportedly said to a White House economic strategist he had pulled aside, asking him to double-check the list of recipients and make sure he was on there, since he was “an American too, after all,” and it was “only fair” he receive the same assistance as everyone else. “How soon are these things coming? Can we expedite them? An extra couple grand would be nice right about now. I should get my check first because I’m president and I’ve been working hard. Everyone else should get theirs after me. Maybe we could have a televised ceremony where I receive the check. That would boost morale, especially if I got a little more money than everybody else. Also, my kids are going to get them too, right? Is there any way those ones could just be forwarded directly to me?” At press time, sources reported that Trump increased the proposed amount of money Americans would be receiving to $2,687 after learning that taxes would have to be taken out.
More from The Onion