Trump Reassures Struggling Farmers He Has Never Seen One Of Them And Cannot Be Sure They Even Exist

WASHINGTON—Amidst escalating Chinese tariffs on U.S. agricultural exports, President Donald Trump sought to reassure struggling American farmers Tuesday by stating that he has never seen one of them and cannot be sure they actually exist. “While rumors of flooding and economic strife circulate, rest assured that I have never seen a guy in baggy overalls riding a tractor and must therefore conclude you are probably not real,” said the president, who attempted to soothe the fears of the approximately 3.2 million farmers in the United States by explaining that as far as he knows, they are some kind of folktale or legend. “I know there are agricultural CEOs. I know there are chickens, because I’ve eaten those. But if you’re, say, a soybean grower who’s hurting financially right now because I started a trade war with China, please understand that I don’t see or hear you and will never see or hear you.” At press time, Trump was reportedly struggling to remember why he had just been talking about chicken.

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