NEW YORK—Saying it was completely exhausted and overwhelmed by its strenuous workload, Donald Trump’s prefrontal cortex admitted Thursday it was simply unable to filter through the torrent of impulsive comments coming from the rest of the presidential candidate’s brain. “I’m just completely inundated with erratic thoughts and knee-jerk reactions from all sides—there’s no way I can possibly screen everything that’s being produced in here,” said the higher-order structure of Trump’s brain responsible for impulse control and long-term planning, adding that the number of hastily formed ideas it was expected to evaluate and cull before they reached the speech motor cortex had been increasing steadily over the past year. “Sometimes, four or five different instinctive urges will try to get through all at once, and it’s just impossible to stop every one of them. I keep thinking they’ll eventually peter out, but there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. I’ve been doing this for 70 years—I’m just drained.” Trump’s prefrontal cortex admitted that it could use significant help from the neural circuits in the angular gyrus and posterior cingulate that are tasked with moral decision-making, but noted that the ineffectual structures had stopped functioning years ago.

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