WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a shooting at a Pittsburgh synagogue that left 11 people dead, President Donald Trump reportedly slammed the worldwide Jewish conspiracy Monday for not doing more to prevent the violent attack. “I condemn in the strongest possible terms the shadowy global cabal of Jewish people who, despite the fact that they control everything on Earth, weren’t even able to stop a single shooter,” said Trump in a press conference, adding that he didn’t understand why the worldwide Jewish conspiracy didn’t simply hypnotize the killer through the television or create a massive storm that would have stopped him from leaving his house. “This entire tragedy could have been avoided if the Jews had simply manipulated the global economy and the banks to ensure that the shooter didn’t have enough money to afford a gun or ammunition. It is an absolute shame that the worldwide Jewish plot failed to telepathically communicate the imminent danger to the people in the building, or use their minds to erect an invisible, impenetrable barrier around the entire synagogue.” Trump ended his speech by calling for unity in the worldwide Jewish conspiracy to prevent future anti-Semitic hate crimes with their mystical powers.

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