NEW YORK—Sitting down with officials from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence to discuss a range of foreign and domestic threats facing the United States, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly spent the entirety of his first classified national security briefing Wednesday asking about Egyptian mummies. “What can you tell me about the dangers posed by mummies, and what are we doing to prevent invoking the ire of King Tut?” Trump reportedly asked in response to an update on growing militarism among insurgent factions in Egypt, before requesting a detailed assessment on mummies’ known strengths and weaknesses and an estimate on the total number of burial chambers in the region. “Have we disturbed any of their tombs? Are they seeking revenge? I want to know which pyramids we need to worry about. Just tell me how many years of curses we’re talking about here.” Upon the conclusion of the top-secret briefing, Trump reportedly double-checked with the intelligence agents that Vikings no longer exist and that they currently pose no threat to the United States.

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