Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise Self As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage

Illustration for article titled Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise Self As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage

CLEVELAND—Letting out a forced gasp at the phony mugging, President Donald Trump stoked fears surrounding crime Tuesday by having Secretary of State Mike Pompeo disguise himself as a cat burglar and rob him on the debate stage. “Oh no, look, it’s a violent Antifa thug sent here by Joe Biden to rob me!” said Trump, exclaiming that these types of thefts would happen more and more if liberals raise taxes while a black-clad Pompeo stuffed the president’s wallet into a sack emblazoned with a dollar sign. “Yikes! I want to call the cops on this very, very bad guy, but there aren’t any police around because Black Lives Matter got rid of them! I should never have come to this Democrat-run city!” At press time, William Barr came out disguised as a doctor to treat Trump’s injuries and then charged him $50,000, explaining that the high price tag was due to the exorbitant insurance premiums caused by the ACA.

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