WASHINGTON—Experiencing searing abdominal pain brought on by the healthy fare, President Trump reportedly suffered horrible indigestion Wednesday, the morning after he ate a fresh, well-prepared meal at his first state dinner. “Ugh, my God—why the hell did I eat all that garbage last night?” said the wincing, sweating president, remembering the perfectly cooked rack of spring lamb, fresh vegetables from the White House garden, and other nutritious items that had not been deep-fried, smothered in gravy or cheese, or processed in any way. “That was a huge mistake. What was I thinking? Aw, Christ, I think I’m gonna be sick.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump’s stomach had settled and he was feeling better after eating a light lunch of two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, and a large chocolate shake.

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