LANCASTER, OH—Admitting that he had been struggling to identify which candidate he preferred, local Trump supporter James Brimhall told reporters Wednesday that he came away from the Democratic debates with a more clear idea of who he wanted to kill. “Early on, I thought it was definitely going to be Biden, but a lot of other candidates made great points about why they needed to be killed to save America, so I was really torn,” said Brimhall, who claimed hearing Bernie Sanders’ arguments for universal healthcare put him at the top of his list for a few months. “I was actually flirting with Andrew Yang for a bit—his freedom dividend seems like exactly the kind of idea I need to cleanse from the face of the Earth, but there wasn’t much beyond that. I’m honestly leaning towards Warren now. She has a lot of proposals, and her fire during the debate really stood out as something I would want to destroy. Plus, I like that she’s a woman.” Brimhall added that we would probably hold off making his final decision until after President Trump singles one out as an enemy of America.


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