WASHINGTON—Following the announcement that Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen was leaving her post, President Trump told reporters Monday he would conduct an extensive search to find a replacement with the right personality disorders necessary for the role. “Though I admired Kirstjen’s ability to remain cold and detached when questioned about the decision to tear apart families at the border, we require someone with an even greater lack of empathy to do this job properly,” said the president, who praised Nielsen for putting children in cages but explained that the ideal candidate for the position must possess a degree of psychopathy so severe that they believe no law or moral code of any kind applies to them. “The next person to head the department must be blessed with strong narcissistic tendencies, of course, but also a consistent record of profoundly antisocial behavior. We need someone both spiteful and cruel, but also willing to totally disregard right and wrong. Basically, the new secretary will need to have a psychological makeup that allows them to look people in the eye and tell them, without hesitation, that we don’t want any non-Americans entering the United States unless they’re coming from one of a very limited group of countries in northern Europe.” At press time, a team of psychiatrists had reportedly presented the president with a stack of résumés that consisted solely of individuals housed in supermax prisons and White House senior adviser Stephen Miller.

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