FORT WAYNE, IN—Saying he was still on the fence and was hoping Wednesday night’s final presidential debate would provide him with some clarity, undecided voter Kevin Dewey told reporters he is waiting until he hears the same responses from the nominees for the seventh time before deciding who he’ll cast his ballot for. “Tonight, I’d really like to see both candidates repeat the exact same things word-for-word that they have already said several times before—once they do that, I’ll probably know which way I’m leaning,” said Dewey, who explained that he had only heard Trump’s and Clinton’s rehearsed soundbites on jobs, ISIS, and criminal justice four or five times and would need to hear these exact statements at least twice more before he felt comfortable making a choice. “The first couple debates were helpful, but the candidates only restated the same pre-packaged talking points a few times each. Until I’ve seen them give identical answers more than half a dozen times between the debates and the campaign trail, I’ll probably still be going back and forth in my mind.” Dewey added that if hearing the exact same responses seven times failed to help him reach a decision, he might need to read a few dozen more wholly indistinguishable thinkpieces about the candidates before Election Day.
More from The Onion