PHILADELPHIA—As Vermont senator Bernie Sanders spoke to the crowd about the need for party unity Monday during the first night of the Democratic National Convention, sources reported that the voice coming from the Wells Fargo Center sound system during his address clearly belonged to Hillary Clinton. “I’ve never once doubted that the primary elections were conducted fairly and that Secretary Clinton won in a completely honest and aboveboard manner, so let’s put all these petty little distractions aside and come together in support of America’s next president: Hillary Clinton!” said the voice emitting from the loudspeaker, which was of a noticeably higher vocal register than Sanders’ voice and spoke in a distinctly different cadence from the Brooklyn-born legislator. “We could argue all day about which Democratic committee member was biased in favor of who, or the fairness of superdelegates’ votes—the important thing to remember is that none of those things matter at all, because Hillary won fair and square, no question in my mind. You see, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that Hillary is a person of integrity who shares my progressive ideals—I know I’ve never once doubted that, so why should you?” At press time, the voice resounding through the arena had begun encouraging the crowd to chant “I’m With Her” well after Sanders had closed his mouth and stopped speaking.


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