Illustration for article titled Weak, Exhausted Nancy Pelosi Given Saline Drip Following Hours-Long Attempt To Stand Firm In Convictions

WASHINGTON—Collapsing from the extreme exertion required to announce an impeachment inquiry into the president, a weak and exhausted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly given a saline drip Tuesday night following an hours-long stretch during which she stood firm in her convictions. “She’s obviously not used to following her conscience like this, or acting in accordance with any clear set of principles, so the experience has left her completely drained,” said Pelosi’s communication director, Ashley Etienne, confirming that medical personnel administered fluids to the speaker after she went an entire news cycle without ever capitulating, an amount of strain that can be life-threatening for a 17-term lawmaker. “Once her voice started to quiver and she slumped down at the end of her speech, we realized her body simply couldn’t take this level of sustained effort. We’re honestly just amazed she lasted as long as she did.” At press time, sources reported House Democratic leaders had postponed the impeachment investigation once more after a doctor prescribed six months of bed rest for Pelosi.


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