WASHINGTON—Saying it was “probably just a matter of months now,” weary citizens across the U.S. confirmed Monday that it should only take one or two more divisive issues to finally finish it off. “Given the way things are now, all we need is some controversial trade policy or maybe a local police abuse case to blow up on the national level and that’ll be it,” said Stowe, VT resident Ellen Hueber, echoing sentiments of citizens nationwide who mentioned that, considering the bitter resentment swirling on either side of U.S. foreign policy decisions, gun control, abortion, health care, capital punishment, domestic espionage, the minimum wage, tax rates, stem-cell research, and financial regulation, they were actually surprised the country hadn’t been done in sooner. “If you were to throw just one more politician’s polarizing remarks on immigration or welfare into the mix, then yeah, that just might be the last little push that sends us over the cliff. Certainly, the prospect of military intervention somewhere would do the trick, but honestly, even some sort of small budget proposal should polish us off once and for all.” The nation’s 319 million citizens added that, at this point, they’re just hoping Obama signs a comprehensive climate change executive order soon to bring an end to the nation as quickly and mercifully as possible.


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