With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates:
- Marco Rubio: Can establish himself as the GOP frontrunner by pulling off a resounding third-place sweep of the nation’s early primary states
- Bernie Sanders: A big win in New Hampshire would show doubters that 40 years spent relentlessly championing progressive causes can pay off in a state adjacent to one’s own
- Donald Trump: After finishing lower than polls predicted in Iowa, Trump needs a strong win in New Hampshire to prove that mathematics is still a useful system for understanding reality
- Hillary Clinton: Just needs Earth to make a complete rotation Tuesday so that she can move on to South Carolina
- Ted Cruz: Has little at stake in New Hampshire, as advisors have assured the conservative, evangelical senator that the state’s reasonable, levelheaded GOP voters are not representative of Republicans nationally
- John Kasich: The moderate Republican needs at least a fourth-place finish in New Hampshire to prove he is the party’s true heir to Jon Huntsman
- Carly Fiorina: The former Hewlett-Packard CEO is looking for a strong performance in Tuesday’s earlier GOP undercard primary
- Ben Carson: Staffers have already moved on to researching which primary comes next
- Chris Christie: Finishing fourth or lower puts the New Jersey governor in serious danger of not getting to go to Mama Jenny’s Shrimp And Grits Hut in Beaufort, SC
- Jeb Bush: Almost done, buddy
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