What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate

Illustration for article titled What To Expect From Tonight’s GOP Debate

The first Republican primary debate will air Thursday evening on Fox News and will feature the top 10 polling candidates, with Donald Trump in a strong lead, as they field questions from moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace. Here’s what to expect during tonight’s debate:

  • Debate to begin with each candidate escorted through arena and presented onstage by father
  • Few softball questions about stripping millions of Americans of health insurance and right to marry
  • Moderators to enforce rules giving candidates equal time to talk over each other
  • The complete implosion of at least one human being’s hopes and dreams
  • Koch brothers to outfit Scott Walker with tracking bracelet to ensure he doesn’t wander far from talking points
  • To provide warning to candidates, Fox News moderators will sound a chime whenever ratings drop below acceptable threshold
  • Honest and level-headed back-and-forth about Planned Parenthood and the importance of women’s health care
  • Soft whimpering of Lindsey Graham to be heard throughout primetime debate
  • Candidates repeatedly spoken to as if many might be the next president of the United States
  • Ted Cruz to attempt to humanize himself to party’s base by revealing that he has several gay family members he doesn’t speak to anymore
  • Frequent appearance of “[inaudible shouting]” on TVs with closed captioning
  • Mop boys to periodically run onstage and wipe up sweat from floor of Quicken Loans Arena
  • One single question answered accurately and in a straightforward manner
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