The first Republican primary debate will air Thursday evening on Fox News and will feature the top 10 polling candidates, with Donald Trump in a strong lead, as they field questions from moderators Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace. Here’s what to expect during tonight’s debate:

  • Debate to begin with each candidate escorted through arena and presented onstage by father
  • Few softball questions about stripping millions of Americans of health insurance and right to marry
  • Moderators to enforce rules giving candidates equal time to talk over each other
  • The complete implosion of at least one human being’s hopes and dreams
  • Koch brothers to outfit Scott Walker with tracking bracelet to ensure he doesn’t wander far from talking points
  • To provide warning to candidates, Fox News moderators will sound a chime whenever ratings drop below acceptable threshold
  • Honest and level-headed back-and-forth about Planned Parenthood and the importance of women’s health care
  • Soft whimpering of Lindsey Graham to be heard throughout primetime debate
  • Candidates repeatedly spoken to as if many might be the next president of the United States
  • Ted Cruz to attempt to humanize himself to party’s base by revealing that he has several gay family members he doesn’t speak to anymore
  • Frequent appearance of “[inaudible shouting]” on TVs with closed captioning
  • Mop boys to periodically run onstage and wipe up sweat from floor of Quicken Loans Arena
  • One single question answered accurately and in a straightforward manner