What To Expect In The First Democratic Debates

The first round of the Democratic Party 2020 primary debates will feature the top 20 presidential candidates over two nights in Miami. The Onion takes a look at what viewers should be watching for in the first Democratic debates.


Time enough for each candidate to go into depth by stating first 17 words of signature policy.

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Ominous creak as stage struggles to support candidates’ collective weight.


Donald Trump’s name may come up once or twice.


Moderator to struggle suppressing laughter while posing question beginning with “In a Hickenlooper administration…”


Jay Inslee to tell heartwarming story of struggling single mother polar bear he met on campaign trail.

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Intermission featuring donkey mascots performing trampoline dunks.


Embarrassing, disqualifying gaffe from Joe Biden that Democratic leaders are willing to ignore as long as he keeps a lead over Trump.

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Dennis Kucinich standing onstage and taking questions for the first hour before anyone remembers he’s not running.

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Pete Buttigieg to hammer home that everyone else on stage will be dead long before him.

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Twenty people lying through their teeth about their ability to unite country.

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