Pronunciation: Mar-A-Lago


Estimated Value: One human soul


Club Membership Fee: $20 (suggested donation)


Architectural Style: Mid-century gaudy


Notable Amenities: Marble bathrobes


Number Of Bathrooms: 2.5


Club Members Killed Annually By Falling Chandeliers: 23


Standard Room Features: Ocean view, four-post mahogany bed, prayer sign indicating direction of Mecca


Number Of Employees Members Are Allowed To Scream At: 2,500


Average Time Before Trespasser Is Shot: 13 seconds


Housekeeping: None of that bullshit where your towel only gets cleaned if you leave it on the floor

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Volume Of Geriatric Ejaculate Dribbled Into Mistresses’ Hands Per Night On Premises: 312 ml


Number Of Presidential Press Conferences That Will Take Place There After A Mass Shooting Or Terrorist Attack: 7

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Sordid History: Built by a woman