What Trump Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House

Illustration for article titled What Trump Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House

On January 20, 2021, Donald Trump will leave office at the end of his presidential term, coup permitting. Here’s what President Trump hopes to accomplish over his final two months in office.

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  • An unfathomably high amount of document shredding.
  • Sunrise yoga on the National Mall.
  • Finally follow through on campaign pledge to stand in middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody.
  • Hold yard sale to raise money for legal battles and recounts.
  • Award Twitter user @920274749_000 the Presidential Medal of Valor for unwavering support over past four years.
  • Humor the hapless boys and girls in intelligence by listening to even one morning briefing.
  • Honor the teachings of his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
  • Install ultrasonic alarms to torment Joe Biden’s dogs 24 hours a day.
  • Get his father’s ghost to say one kind thing.
  • As presidential tradition goes, leave the country in a worse place than he found it.

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