With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign:


STEP 1

“Campaign donation tax deductible” Googled


STEP 2

Unpaid campaign volunteer stares longingly at check for a few moments


STEP 3

Voters who love candidate so much they can’t express it within FEC contribution limits opt to give couple million dollars to super PAC


STEP 4

$2.50 processing fee


STEP 5

Donor asked to donate again


STEP 6

After donor’s credit card information is submitted, the details of their demographic profile are sent to the Federal Elections Information Center, where they are entered into an electoral algorithm that determines future candidates target-marketed specifically to them

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STEP 7

All checks less than $5,000 immediately thrown away


STEP 8

Donations converted into cash for candidate to rub all over body


STEP 9

Donors rewarded with dumb fucking email newsletter some campaign intern shit out


STEP 10

Behavior coach for candidate’s children takes his cut


STEP 11

Donor asked to donate again


STEP 12

$40,000 paid to campaign graphic designer who will eventually just go with a big “H”

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STEP 13

Three quarters of a million dollars spent vying for crucial support of voters watching Criminal Minds rerun at 2 p.m.

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STEP 14

Campaigns with less money ramp up efforts to call for campaign finance reform


STEP 15

Donor asked to donate again


STEP 16

After campaign is over, donated money blends back in with all other civilian money, haunted by what it’s done

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