WASHINGTON—Demonstrating their findings with a crumpled ball of aluminum foil, a panel of White House–appointed scientists convened for the first time Tuesday to argue that President Donald Trump possesses the strength to crush an entire train with his bare hands. “Based on this group’s assessment, the president could easily compress a 400,000-pound diesel locomotive and any cars it was pulling into a twisted mass of debris no larger than your kitchen table,” said Liberty University civil engineering professor Jonah Crockett, who heads the new presidential committee, adding that his calculations suggest Trump could then toss the entire train over his shoulder or, if he wanted to, swallow it whole. “We realize many people out there do not believe Mr. Trump could physically overpower a 3-mile-long freight train barreling down the tracks, so we want to set the record straight: He absolutely could. You may find scientists who tell you the 45th president could not grab a length of hot-rolled steel, bite a chunk out of it, and spit bullets, but they are all bought-and-paid-for members of a widespread, global cult of railroad zealots.” At press time, Crockett confirmed his team would next be investigating whether President Trump was perhaps capable of building a train so strong that even he could not crush it.
More from The Onion